My Mom

Today is the day two years ago that my mother died. Another year. Another 365 days. Time has, as promised, healed some of the pain. I do have days when a fleeting thought or song will remind me of my mom and I will feel the emotion like new. But I can also talk about her and laugh about her without welling up with tears. I've spent time with all three of my brothers over the past year and we've talked about mom. I can let my memories flow and miss her, but I can also embrace those memories and let them remind me of who my mom was.

In the last year my dad has fallen in love and remarried. His wife is a wonderful woman who is sweet and understanding. She shares his love of family and traveling. She teases him and makes him smile. I will admit that seeing my dad remarry was hard for me. It was hard to see him stand with another woman at their wedding surrounded by her children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren and have a picture taken. He looked so odd in that group. But that was hard for me because I was thinking of my mom that day, not because I didn't want him to marry his new wife. I can see how happy he is and know that it was a good thing for him to do. I believe that it is a blessing for my dad to be married and to have someone who is watching out for him and taking care of him. One day, around Christmas, my dad and his wife came to dinner at my house. We were playing games afterward. We were having fun and laughing and laughing. We were laughing so hard, we were crying. It struck me that my dad was laughing so hard he was crying. That sound was like music to me. It made me so happy to see my dad being so happy.

My mom is gone, but not at all forgotten. Her life is honored as a wife by my dad's eagerness to remarry another good woman. Her life as a mother is honored by the lives of her children in the times that we gather and share memories of her. Some of our favorite foods are those that she taught us to love. Her life as a grandmother is honored by the lives of her grandchildren as they remember their "Grammie." We carry her in our hearts everywhere we go.

Mother's Day

My mom died in July 2008. While it wasn't unexpected, it was sudden and very sad. Every single day, I think of my mom. Every single day, I miss her. Last year, the first Mother's Day without her, was tough. I felt sad for a couple weeks leading up to it, and then realized what was coming. This year I was a little more prepared. I've gotten to the point now, where I can just sit and think of her without crying. I'm still sad, but I don't cry. But because Mother's Day is the day that we all try to make sure that we tell our moms how much we love them, and I can't really do that, I wanted to make sure that I spent some time thinking about her. Not just thinking about the loss, but thinking about some happy memories.

One of my happy memories will sound a little odd. My mom loved to play games. Card games. Board games. Word games. It didn't really matter. She would get us kids together and we would play games after dinner way more times than I can remember. She pretty much always won. It didn't matter what we were playing, she would win. She would never go easy on us. She was competitive and wanted to win and didn't hold back, even though we were just kids. In fact, there were times that my youngest brother wasn't allowed to play some games until he got older because it would hold back the competition. I never thought it was odd or that she should let us win. Its just the way it was. Remembering my mom say "I win!!!!" again and again makes me smile. She would be laughing and laughing. And rather than pout about losing, AGAIN, provides me with a happy memory.

Another happy memory comes from my oldest daughter's first Easter. She was born in July so her first Easter was when she was close to a year old. My mom decided that she wanted to buy Wendy her first Easter dress. We went to the nearby shopping mall. We looked at lots and lots of beautiful Easter dresses for little girls. My mom had about five dresses in her hands and asked me which one I liked best. I don't remember which one I choose, probably something blue, because it is my favorite color and Wendy looked so good in blue. But they were all very cute and very frilly. My mom agreed with my choice and then bought all five. She was having a blast buying clothes for her first grandchild. Another happy memory.

I did the same thing this year that I did last year. I put flowers on my mom's grave. I stood there and told her that I love her. And I enjoyed a couple happy memories.

I love you, Mom.

Moms and Kids

John Mayer sings a song that goes like this:

Fathers be good to your daughters for daughters will love like you do.

Girls become mothers who turn into lovers, so mothers be good to your daughters too.

There's a lot of wisdom in that little refrain. I have a corollary to it.

Mothers be careful what you say because your children are always listening.

I know, it doesn't rhyme as well as John's little ditty. But it's just as important. Whether you work in the home or outside the home, have a full-time job or a part-time job, you are vital to how your children will think about many things and how they show the world what they think. You are the first teacher your children will have. When they are young, they think you are wise and all-knowing. They pick up your habits, good or bad. They want to be just like you. So be careful what you teach.

If your husband works hard and has to come home late, the way that you react to the news will be transferred to your children. When he walks in the door, if you say "I'm so glad you're home. Thank you for working so hard." your kids will have the same attitude. But if you complain and greet him with "Well, you're finally home!! Do you realize I've been stuck with the kids all day!! You're never here when I need you!" then the kids will have the idea that their dads are jerks who are never around when you need them. If, however, you explain to your children that their dad works hard because he loves them very much and wants to provide for his family, they catch that. You have the ability to set the tone for how they see their dad and his job. They won't think of the missed events or times he may have been late. They will think of how respect they have for a man who works hard to keep his family provided for. Having a general attitude of respect for the father of your children is important. I've heard moms call their husbands idiots or worthless, in front of the children. After a while of hearing that, the kids start calling their dads idiots or worthless. Little girls living in that kind of environment will believe that that is how they are to see men. And little boys living in that kind of environment will believe that that is what they are.

Now, if your husband has a problem keeping a balance between work and home, that does need to be addressed. Don't get me wrong. But that discussion needs to take place away from the children, in private. Don't let that conversation be one that takes place in front of the children. They are not mature enough to handle it. Work on your relationship, absolutely. But do it appropriately. Get counseling. Find another couple to talk to. Seek out a pastor or spiritual advisor.

Your children also pick up on what you think of others. If you harp about other drivers when you're out running errands, then other people will be seen as inconvenient and less important than they are. If you talk about a store clerk in a disparaging way, then clerks become lower class citizens. But if you are understanding and forgiving, that is what your children will be toward others. And if something happens that really is unexplained and annoying, then keep it to yourself. Share it with a friend later. But don't give your children a picture of other people that they don't have the discernment for.

The lessons that we have to teach our children are endless. Some of the time we teach those lessons with great purpose and precision. And some of the time we teach lessons without thinking or realizing what we're doing. Think and consider what you're doing. Listen to your children when they don't know you're listening. A wise mother knows her own children. Know your children, but also know where they're learning their lessons.