My Mom

Today is the day two years ago that my mother died. Another year. Another 365 days. Time has, as promised, healed some of the pain. I do have days when a fleeting thought or song will remind me of my mom and I will feel the emotion like new. But I can also talk about her and laugh about her without welling up with tears. I've spent time with all three of my brothers over the past year and we've talked about mom. I can let my memories flow and miss her, but I can also embrace those memories and let them remind me of who my mom was.

In the last year my dad has fallen in love and remarried. His wife is a wonderful woman who is sweet and understanding. She shares his love of family and traveling. She teases him and makes him smile. I will admit that seeing my dad remarry was hard for me. It was hard to see him stand with another woman at their wedding surrounded by her children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren and have a picture taken. He looked so odd in that group. But that was hard for me because I was thinking of my mom that day, not because I didn't want him to marry his new wife. I can see how happy he is and know that it was a good thing for him to do. I believe that it is a blessing for my dad to be married and to have someone who is watching out for him and taking care of him. One day, around Christmas, my dad and his wife came to dinner at my house. We were playing games afterward. We were having fun and laughing and laughing. We were laughing so hard, we were crying. It struck me that my dad was laughing so hard he was crying. That sound was like music to me. It made me so happy to see my dad being so happy.

My mom is gone, but not at all forgotten. Her life is honored as a wife by my dad's eagerness to remarry another good woman. Her life as a mother is honored by the lives of her children in the times that we gather and share memories of her. Some of our favorite foods are those that she taught us to love. Her life as a grandmother is honored by the lives of her grandchildren as they remember their "Grammie." We carry her in our hearts everywhere we go.

Life

I've heard it said that people can't hurt you without your permission. I do agree with that to a certain extent. People who cut in front of you at the grocery store or are rude on the phone should not be given permission to hurt you. You need to let that sort of thing roll off your back. Even a co-worker who is in a bad mood and snaps at you should be ignored as best you can.
But there are some people who will hurt you and there is nothing you can do about it, by virtue of the fact that you are close to them, love them and are in the kind of relationship that warrants hurt feelings when they do certain things. If a husband falls out of love with a wife, that hurts. If a daughter has no time for her parents, that hurts. If a dear, dear friend walks away, that hurts. And why do those things hurt? They hurt because when we enter into a close, loving relationship with someone, we allow people to hurt us. That is not a bad thing. We want close, loving relationships. We want dear, dear friends. If we didn't allow ourselves to be hurt by other people, then we would know that we were keeping people at arm's length. We would know that we weren't really close to people and that we didn't allow people to get close to us. When someone says that you should not give others permission to hurt you, what they're really saying is that they don't want to be close to others. They have chosen to keep others on a superficial level, never really letting anyone get too close because they don't want any pain.
God promises to wipe every tear, but He wipes them as they fall. He wipes them as we cry in pain. He intended that we would be relational. He wants us to be close to others, while knowing that sometimes relationships will make us cry.

Honor

One of the ways that I am able to honor my in-laws is by helping them do things that are difficult for them to do on their own. This past weekend was the high school graduation of one of their grandchildren. Since we live in Northern California and this grandchild lives in Southern California, getting there for the ceremony would be a challenge for Mom and Dad. They initially decided that they would not attend. But I feel that being with those you love and who love you is important, so I encouraged them to go anyway. My father-in-law looked into flights and then asked me if I would help them. That was absolutely something I could do.

My helping consisted of accompanying them to the airport, dealing with some small amount of grumpiness, getting them settled on the plane, driving the rental car anywhere they needed to go and bringing them safely back home. It was a little way for me to show love and honor to them. Yes, I did get a trip out of it too. Yes, I did get to visit with my sister-in-law, brother-in-law and nieces. I also got to be a smiling, familiar face. I got to be a calming influence, I hope. And I got to receive from them just as much as I gave to them. It's what family is. It's what family does. I'm happy to do it.

Honor

I once heard someone say that if you don't feel like doing something, start acting as though you felt like it and eventually the feeling would come. That does sound good. But hard to put in to practice. I mean, face it, we do avoid doing things we don't want to do.

I didn't always feel like doing things with and for my in-laws. When my husband and I were dating and first married, my in-laws weren't sure about me. They weren't sure that I was the right one for their son. As the years have gone by - more than 30 of those years - they have become sure that I was, in fact, the right one for their son. But because of the tentativeness of our relationship, showing honor to my in-laws was a challenge. At first I was honoring them on the outside, but didn't always have my heart in it. I am happy to say, though, that I have gotten wiser as I have aged.

I have learned that every day with them is a gift. I have learned that we share a deep love for the man that they raised and I married. I have learned that we agree on many things, including how important it is to be involved in each others' lives. And I have learned to truly and deeply love each of them for who they are and what they bring to my life.

Now not only do I enjoy doing things with and for my in-laws, my heart swells with love when we see each other. I miss them when we are apart. And I am glad that they allow me to honor them.

More Evolution

There is much in my mind and my heart tonight. I've written many of those thoughts here only to hit the backspace button and erase them. I am sad but don't want to be petty. I don't want to make anybody look bad or impugn them. I don't want to bring shame on God because of the actions of His people by pointing out those actions. I am angry but don't want to be vindictive. I am burdened with pain, but know that I have caused pain to others so don't know how to express that pain, even in my blog, without thinking that the pain I have caused is worse. Am I really going through a personal evolution if I can't even admit my pain to my blog?

I try to look at the bright side of things. I don't see a bright side right now. Maybe there isn't one. It's an internal argument I have with myself often. "Look for the positive." "There doesn't appear to be a positive." "Then look harder." "I am looking harder!" "You can't be if you don't see it!"

Knowing that I have been cut off from some people that I love feels so bleak that there is no way there could be a bright side. Knowing that the reason for being cut off is unnecessary makes it feel so hopeless. Those are my thoughts right now, thoughts of bleakness and hopelessness.

I feel a weight and a burden that I know only God can lift. I haven't always been great at letting God take my burdens. I keep hanging on to them or taking them back. I know that I am promised relief. Things are working in the background. I won't know all of those workings until the light is shone in the darkness. Days are lost and time goes by. Time that seems to be lost forever. God promises to give it all back. I'll choose to believe in that promise. Lord, help me in my unbelief.

Personal Evolution

When I was a young girl, and into my 20s, I rarely gave my opinion about things, especially when in a group of people. This was partly because I felt that my mother disapproved of her children drawing undo attention to themselves. We were not to be flamboyant or controversial. But mainly because I felt that if I couldn't articulate myself clearly and completely, then I didn't want to mess things up or look like an idiot. I thought about things a lot and I did have opinions, but I didn't have enough confidence in myself to really express myself. Looking back, I think it made me look like I had no personality.

In my 30s and 40s, I became more willing to share my thoughts. I learned that people didn't really care that much what I thought, that conversation sometimes was done just for conversation's sake and that "controversial" wasn't the horror that I had once thought. I also became pretty uptight about some of my opinions. I was rigid and saw things in black and white, knowing of course that there were other ways to look at things than the way I did, but felt that my way was the right way. This made me appear to have a strait-laced personality.

Now that I'm in my 50s, I've been completely rethinking so many things that I have come to a new stage. I can see the need to knowing what you believe and why, but also see that an opinion is just that, an opinion. People are more important than what you think of them and love and acceptance go a long way. I'm allowing myself to be more flexible. I am wrestling with myself on some of my opinions, but I feel that I have a more relaxed personality. I like this better.

Mother's Day

My mom died in July 2008. While it wasn't unexpected, it was sudden and very sad. Every single day, I think of my mom. Every single day, I miss her. Last year, the first Mother's Day without her, was tough. I felt sad for a couple weeks leading up to it, and then realized what was coming. This year I was a little more prepared. I've gotten to the point now, where I can just sit and think of her without crying. I'm still sad, but I don't cry. But because Mother's Day is the day that we all try to make sure that we tell our moms how much we love them, and I can't really do that, I wanted to make sure that I spent some time thinking about her. Not just thinking about the loss, but thinking about some happy memories.

One of my happy memories will sound a little odd. My mom loved to play games. Card games. Board games. Word games. It didn't really matter. She would get us kids together and we would play games after dinner way more times than I can remember. She pretty much always won. It didn't matter what we were playing, she would win. She would never go easy on us. She was competitive and wanted to win and didn't hold back, even though we were just kids. In fact, there were times that my youngest brother wasn't allowed to play some games until he got older because it would hold back the competition. I never thought it was odd or that she should let us win. Its just the way it was. Remembering my mom say "I win!!!!" again and again makes me smile. She would be laughing and laughing. And rather than pout about losing, AGAIN, provides me with a happy memory.

Another happy memory comes from my oldest daughter's first Easter. She was born in July so her first Easter was when she was close to a year old. My mom decided that she wanted to buy Wendy her first Easter dress. We went to the nearby shopping mall. We looked at lots and lots of beautiful Easter dresses for little girls. My mom had about five dresses in her hands and asked me which one I liked best. I don't remember which one I choose, probably something blue, because it is my favorite color and Wendy looked so good in blue. But they were all very cute and very frilly. My mom agreed with my choice and then bought all five. She was having a blast buying clothes for her first grandchild. Another happy memory.

I did the same thing this year that I did last year. I put flowers on my mom's grave. I stood there and told her that I love her. And I enjoyed a couple happy memories.

I love you, Mom.