Thursday, January 6, 2011

Jane Trafzer Memorial

I read this at my mother-in-law's memorial service today:

I am Debbie Trafzer. I am Jane's daughter-in-law. One doesn't usually get to choose the family that comes with one's mate. But if ever there were a family worth choosing, this one is it. What began with Tom and Jane 60 years ago has become a wonderfully special family. And Jane was at the heart of it.

When Tom and I got married, Mom got me a sewing machine for a wedding present. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I didn't sew. But for Mom it was just a given that you would sew and mend. When I decided that I wanted to learn to make grape jam and needed a sieve, she searched and found one for me. When we were looking for a piano so that our daughter Wendy could take lessons, Mom looked for and found one for us. For Mom it was natural that you would do things yourself, fix things yourself and learn things for yourself. She taught me to be self-reliant and economical. I remember once going with Mom and Dad and Tom to their cabin above Georgetown. She cooked dinner on the hearth of the fireplace, a roast and potatoes. I never forgot that and some years ago when our electricity went out I was able to duplicate that meal in our wood stove. I never would have thought of doing it if it hadn't been for Mom's example.

We would have big family gatherings at their house in El Dorado hills. My best memories are of walking into the kitchen to see Mom cooking with one of her daughters. Or sitting on the floor in the living room reading to the grandkids. Or rocking the newest baby in the rocking chair. I loved Grandma's library. She would go to book signings and buy autographed books for the grandkids. At Christmas, each child knew that there would be a box of books from Grandma.

We could count o birthday dinners and Mother's Day brunch. She was at the grandkids' graduations and weddings. She enjoyed our Thai food outings and Starbucks Thursdays. When we got together for holidays, the first words out of her mouth were "What can I bring?"

I know that Mom was proud of each of her four children. She adored each grandchild - there are 11. And she was pleased with each great-grandchild - we're now at 7. Each of you were precious and special to her.

Mom was generous and giving. She was intelligent and honest. Even though I married into the family, she made me feel as though I was her daughter. She was accepting. She was loving. I will miss her.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Seven Lessons from My Dog


1. Greet people with enthusiam.

When I come home, my dog Willie is at the door ready to greet me. Whether I've been gone for a quick trip to the store or a four day trip out of town, he's excited to see me and shows his excitement by twirling around. After I've taken off my jacket and put my purse away, I sit and hold him and pet him. We greet each other with enthusiam.
This is how I need to greet people. Everyone is special and should be told that as they come through the door. I don't know how many days I will get with the special people in my life. I need to make sure they know that they are important to me. Greeting them with enthusiam is one way I can do that.

2. Exercise wholeheartedly.

Willie is ready to walk for me at any time of any day. He walks in the rain or in the dark. He walks around the block or for 5 miles on a hiking trail. It makes no difference to him. He puts his heart into every walk. He seems to instinctively know that getting out and exercising is good for him.
I need to greet my exercise routine with the same heart. Whether its walking, lifting weights or running on the treadmill, each opportunity to exercise is a chance to stay healthy and young. I'm not kidding myself about having the body of a 24 year old. I'm no longer 24 years old and that body is long gone. I need to exercise so that I will be able to keep up as I age. Exercise is just good for me.

3. Play with abandon.

When I throw the ball or play tug-of-war with Willie, he gives it his all and nothing else exists right then. He chases leaves and squirrels the same way. When he is playing, he's enjoying himself and anyone else who's playing with him. For Willie, play is an important part of living.
I sometimes forget to play. When worktime is over, I want to sit and relax. I forget that play is also relaxing. Play is good for the heart and a way to bond with others. When we first adopted Willie, my husband played with Willie more than I did. One day, Willie and I were alone. He was six-months old and full of energy, so I started playing with him. That playtime seemed to bond us together in a new way. There was nothing but me and him and the game. I was laughing at him. He appeared to be laughing at me. We gave the game our all and it was a good thing.

4. Be quick to forgive.

I have noticed that if I accidently step on Willie, after he yelps in pain, he runs to me and tries to lick my face or hand. He is forgiving me. Right away. No accusations. No fault-finding. Just putting things right between us, before I've even had a chance to react and apologize.
Why don't I do that? Why must I analyze and try to figure out what to do and what to say? Why do I have to decide whether I'm at fault more than the other person? Just put things right. Apologize quickly, even if the fault isn't mine. It may not be this time, but it probably will be next time. And the people in my life are more important to me than being right.

5. Gather information from all sources until you make a decision.

I've watched Willie when we go to a new place. He sniffs things out and gathers as much information as possible. He looks in all the corners of all the rooms with his nose to the ground. If we come home and someone has come over during our absence, he can tell right away and starts sniffing until he can find the visitor.
I tend to be quick to jump to conclusions. I've gotten into a lot of trouble because of this tendency. I know that knowledge is power and that there are many sides to every story. I need to wait for more information before I decide what's what. Sniff things out and look everywhere for answers.

6. Treat everyone the same.

Whether young or old, rich or poor, Willie treats everyone the same. He's friendly and accepting. If you are not as friendly as he is, he will keep trying to win you over.
Everyone is deserving of a friendly smile. The kind word that I give today could mean the difference between a sucky day or a good day for someone. And the person who looks like they have it all together may be the person who needs it the most.

7. Be empathetic.

Willie has the ability to tell what kind of mood I'm in. If I'm having a bad day or crying about something sad in my life, he jumps in my lap and starts licking my face, as if to say "It'll be okay." If I'm happy or upbeat, he picks up on that too and is ready to rejoice with me.
People want their feelings to be acknowledged and validated. I may not be able to solve the problems of those around me, but I have found that resolution isn't what people want from me anyway. They want to be heard. They want an ear and a shoulder when faced with the problems of life. They want to share good news with someone who with be excited for them. Jump up and down and give a high-five when all is right with the world.