More Evolution

There is much in my mind and my heart tonight. I've written many of those thoughts here only to hit the backspace button and erase them. I am sad but don't want to be petty. I don't want to make anybody look bad or impugn them. I don't want to bring shame on God because of the actions of His people by pointing out those actions. I am angry but don't want to be vindictive. I am burdened with pain, but know that I have caused pain to others so don't know how to express that pain, even in my blog, without thinking that the pain I have caused is worse. Am I really going through a personal evolution if I can't even admit my pain to my blog?

I try to look at the bright side of things. I don't see a bright side right now. Maybe there isn't one. It's an internal argument I have with myself often. "Look for the positive." "There doesn't appear to be a positive." "Then look harder." "I am looking harder!" "You can't be if you don't see it!"

Knowing that I have been cut off from some people that I love feels so bleak that there is no way there could be a bright side. Knowing that the reason for being cut off is unnecessary makes it feel so hopeless. Those are my thoughts right now, thoughts of bleakness and hopelessness.

I feel a weight and a burden that I know only God can lift. I haven't always been great at letting God take my burdens. I keep hanging on to them or taking them back. I know that I am promised relief. Things are working in the background. I won't know all of those workings until the light is shone in the darkness. Days are lost and time goes by. Time that seems to be lost forever. God promises to give it all back. I'll choose to believe in that promise. Lord, help me in my unbelief.

Personal Evolution

When I was a young girl, and into my 20s, I rarely gave my opinion about things, especially when in a group of people. This was partly because I felt that my mother disapproved of her children drawing undo attention to themselves. We were not to be flamboyant or controversial. But mainly because I felt that if I couldn't articulate myself clearly and completely, then I didn't want to mess things up or look like an idiot. I thought about things a lot and I did have opinions, but I didn't have enough confidence in myself to really express myself. Looking back, I think it made me look like I had no personality.

In my 30s and 40s, I became more willing to share my thoughts. I learned that people didn't really care that much what I thought, that conversation sometimes was done just for conversation's sake and that "controversial" wasn't the horror that I had once thought. I also became pretty uptight about some of my opinions. I was rigid and saw things in black and white, knowing of course that there were other ways to look at things than the way I did, but felt that my way was the right way. This made me appear to have a strait-laced personality.

Now that I'm in my 50s, I've been completely rethinking so many things that I have come to a new stage. I can see the need to knowing what you believe and why, but also see that an opinion is just that, an opinion. People are more important than what you think of them and love and acceptance go a long way. I'm allowing myself to be more flexible. I am wrestling with myself on some of my opinions, but I feel that I have a more relaxed personality. I like this better.

Mother's Day

My mom died in July 2008. While it wasn't unexpected, it was sudden and very sad. Every single day, I think of my mom. Every single day, I miss her. Last year, the first Mother's Day without her, was tough. I felt sad for a couple weeks leading up to it, and then realized what was coming. This year I was a little more prepared. I've gotten to the point now, where I can just sit and think of her without crying. I'm still sad, but I don't cry. But because Mother's Day is the day that we all try to make sure that we tell our moms how much we love them, and I can't really do that, I wanted to make sure that I spent some time thinking about her. Not just thinking about the loss, but thinking about some happy memories.

One of my happy memories will sound a little odd. My mom loved to play games. Card games. Board games. Word games. It didn't really matter. She would get us kids together and we would play games after dinner way more times than I can remember. She pretty much always won. It didn't matter what we were playing, she would win. She would never go easy on us. She was competitive and wanted to win and didn't hold back, even though we were just kids. In fact, there were times that my youngest brother wasn't allowed to play some games until he got older because it would hold back the competition. I never thought it was odd or that she should let us win. Its just the way it was. Remembering my mom say "I win!!!!" again and again makes me smile. She would be laughing and laughing. And rather than pout about losing, AGAIN, provides me with a happy memory.

Another happy memory comes from my oldest daughter's first Easter. She was born in July so her first Easter was when she was close to a year old. My mom decided that she wanted to buy Wendy her first Easter dress. We went to the nearby shopping mall. We looked at lots and lots of beautiful Easter dresses for little girls. My mom had about five dresses in her hands and asked me which one I liked best. I don't remember which one I choose, probably something blue, because it is my favorite color and Wendy looked so good in blue. But they were all very cute and very frilly. My mom agreed with my choice and then bought all five. She was having a blast buying clothes for her first grandchild. Another happy memory.

I did the same thing this year that I did last year. I put flowers on my mom's grave. I stood there and told her that I love her. And I enjoyed a couple happy memories.

I love you, Mom.

More Waiting

How did we get here? What happened to bring about this great chism in our relationship? I know that choices were made. Things that I wish I could go back and change. I should have chosen a different homeschool option. I should have questioned things more closely. I should have been stronger about keeping tabs on my kids. I should have said "No, you may not do that." But you can't go back in time and change how you would do things. You get only one chance and once that chance is over, it is absolutely over. God promises to redeem the year that the locusts have eaten, but He doesn't say when and He doesn't say how. We just have to wait. More waiting.

Waiting

I've been experiencing some physical symptoms for the past couple of months. Things that are out of the ordinary. Some days are horrible and other days aren't so bad. The aren't-so-bad days make me think that it's all just really nothing. Maybe I'm imagining things. Maybe it was stress or aging or just me being over-analytical. But, I did what people tell you to do and I went to the doctor a couple weeks ago. We started the process on tests. Now I'm waiting. Waiting for the results. Waiting to find out if I'll have an answer or if I'll have to do some other tests. And wait some more.

Humanity

I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. I believe that people are basically good and want to do the right thing. And when something happens to reinforce that belief, I am encouraged. On April 20, I traveled to Connecticut to visit my niece and my daughter. The visit was good and I returned home on April 26. The trip home seemed to be uneventful. This morning I was opening the mail and there was an envelope addressed to me with no return address. It had been mailed for Hartford, Connecticut. I was mildly curious. When I opened the envelope, my drivers license fell out. I was surprised and at first thought it was a spare. (It is funny how one's mind works.) I got my wallet and looked inside, and sure enough, my license was not inside. I wondered where I had lost it. I had to have it to go through security at the airport, so must have dropped it at the airport. Someone picked it up and mailed it back to me. Thus reinforcing my belief that people really do the right thing. Thank you.