My Mom

Today is the day two years ago that my mother died. Another year. Another 365 days. Time has, as promised, healed some of the pain. I do have days when a fleeting thought or song will remind me of my mom and I will feel the emotion like new. But I can also talk about her and laugh about her without welling up with tears. I've spent time with all three of my brothers over the past year and we've talked about mom. I can let my memories flow and miss her, but I can also embrace those memories and let them remind me of who my mom was.

In the last year my dad has fallen in love and remarried. His wife is a wonderful woman who is sweet and understanding. She shares his love of family and traveling. She teases him and makes him smile. I will admit that seeing my dad remarry was hard for me. It was hard to see him stand with another woman at their wedding surrounded by her children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren and have a picture taken. He looked so odd in that group. But that was hard for me because I was thinking of my mom that day, not because I didn't want him to marry his new wife. I can see how happy he is and know that it was a good thing for him to do. I believe that it is a blessing for my dad to be married and to have someone who is watching out for him and taking care of him. One day, around Christmas, my dad and his wife came to dinner at my house. We were playing games afterward. We were having fun and laughing and laughing. We were laughing so hard, we were crying. It struck me that my dad was laughing so hard he was crying. That sound was like music to me. It made me so happy to see my dad being so happy.

My mom is gone, but not at all forgotten. Her life is honored as a wife by my dad's eagerness to remarry another good woman. Her life as a mother is honored by the lives of her children in the times that we gather and share memories of her. Some of our favorite foods are those that she taught us to love. Her life as a grandmother is honored by the lives of her grandchildren as they remember their "Grammie." We carry her in our hearts everywhere we go.

More Evolution

There is much in my mind and my heart tonight. I've written many of those thoughts here only to hit the backspace button and erase them. I am sad but don't want to be petty. I don't want to make anybody look bad or impugn them. I don't want to bring shame on God because of the actions of His people by pointing out those actions. I am angry but don't want to be vindictive. I am burdened with pain, but know that I have caused pain to others so don't know how to express that pain, even in my blog, without thinking that the pain I have caused is worse. Am I really going through a personal evolution if I can't even admit my pain to my blog?

I try to look at the bright side of things. I don't see a bright side right now. Maybe there isn't one. It's an internal argument I have with myself often. "Look for the positive." "There doesn't appear to be a positive." "Then look harder." "I am looking harder!" "You can't be if you don't see it!"

Knowing that I have been cut off from some people that I love feels so bleak that there is no way there could be a bright side. Knowing that the reason for being cut off is unnecessary makes it feel so hopeless. Those are my thoughts right now, thoughts of bleakness and hopelessness.

I feel a weight and a burden that I know only God can lift. I haven't always been great at letting God take my burdens. I keep hanging on to them or taking them back. I know that I am promised relief. Things are working in the background. I won't know all of those workings until the light is shone in the darkness. Days are lost and time goes by. Time that seems to be lost forever. God promises to give it all back. I'll choose to believe in that promise. Lord, help me in my unbelief.

New Year's Day 2010

I love New Year's Day. It is my favorite day of the year. I know, Christmas, my birthday, my wedding anniversary all ought to come in as favorites over January 1. Those other days are great, there's no doubt. But January 1 is the one day of the year that, to me, has the most emotion and purpose.

I love to get up in the morning, after having celebrated the start of the new year, and start getting things done. I take down the Christmas decorations and clean the house top to bottom. Many people do spring cleaning. I do new year cleaning. I make soup and get the laundry done. I find places for the presents that we got on Christmas. I bring order and calmness after the whirlwind of the holiday season. I look forward to these activities every year. It's my way of restoring normalcy.

January 1 is when I look at the year that's just passed. I think about things that I've done to others. I think about things that others have done to me. I put the memories in their places. The good memories and the bad are tucked away. Some are to be captured for all time. Some are to be used as proof that there is good in the world. Some are there just to make me smile. Some are to teach me what I need to learn. Some are to be looked at and then forgiveness extended. I cry and I laugh and I feel the warmth.

More than that though, I look ahead to the year stretched out before me. I make resolutions that I often keep, but not always. I give myself permission to let some of the resolutions go. I evaluate who I am and what I have done and what I want to do. I'm not a person who makes goals for myself. But I do want every year to be a better one, both in how I treat others and in how others see me. I want to be a better person. I want to let God do His work in me and take the changes He wants to make with grace. I want to see people through his eyes. I want to find more things about myself that I like and fewer things that I don't.

It's the one day of the year that I am most reflective about the future. Can I be more helpful? More giving? Can I express myself better? Can I let the people that I love know that I love them so that they really understand?

Now, I know that people can do that sort of thing any day of the year. January 1 is the day that I set aside to do it. The time feels right. There's no job to go to. The visitors are gone. I purposefully make no plans for that one day so that the day is all mine. We all have heard "Today is the first day of the rest of your life." That works for any day of your life. For my life, I've chosen New Year's Day as the day to reflect and evaluate. Happy 2010!!