My Mom

Today is the day two years ago that my mother died. Another year. Another 365 days. Time has, as promised, healed some of the pain. I do have days when a fleeting thought or song will remind me of my mom and I will feel the emotion like new. But I can also talk about her and laugh about her without welling up with tears. I've spent time with all three of my brothers over the past year and we've talked about mom. I can let my memories flow and miss her, but I can also embrace those memories and let them remind me of who my mom was.

In the last year my dad has fallen in love and remarried. His wife is a wonderful woman who is sweet and understanding. She shares his love of family and traveling. She teases him and makes him smile. I will admit that seeing my dad remarry was hard for me. It was hard to see him stand with another woman at their wedding surrounded by her children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren and have a picture taken. He looked so odd in that group. But that was hard for me because I was thinking of my mom that day, not because I didn't want him to marry his new wife. I can see how happy he is and know that it was a good thing for him to do. I believe that it is a blessing for my dad to be married and to have someone who is watching out for him and taking care of him. One day, around Christmas, my dad and his wife came to dinner at my house. We were playing games afterward. We were having fun and laughing and laughing. We were laughing so hard, we were crying. It struck me that my dad was laughing so hard he was crying. That sound was like music to me. It made me so happy to see my dad being so happy.

My mom is gone, but not at all forgotten. Her life is honored as a wife by my dad's eagerness to remarry another good woman. Her life as a mother is honored by the lives of her children in the times that we gather and share memories of her. Some of our favorite foods are those that she taught us to love. Her life as a grandmother is honored by the lives of her grandchildren as they remember their "Grammie." We carry her in our hearts everywhere we go.

Honor

One of the ways that I am able to honor my in-laws is by helping them do things that are difficult for them to do on their own. This past weekend was the high school graduation of one of their grandchildren. Since we live in Northern California and this grandchild lives in Southern California, getting there for the ceremony would be a challenge for Mom and Dad. They initially decided that they would not attend. But I feel that being with those you love and who love you is important, so I encouraged them to go anyway. My father-in-law looked into flights and then asked me if I would help them. That was absolutely something I could do.

My helping consisted of accompanying them to the airport, dealing with some small amount of grumpiness, getting them settled on the plane, driving the rental car anywhere they needed to go and bringing them safely back home. It was a little way for me to show love and honor to them. Yes, I did get a trip out of it too. Yes, I did get to visit with my sister-in-law, brother-in-law and nieces. I also got to be a smiling, familiar face. I got to be a calming influence, I hope. And I got to receive from them just as much as I gave to them. It's what family is. It's what family does. I'm happy to do it.

Honor

I once heard someone say that if you don't feel like doing something, start acting as though you felt like it and eventually the feeling would come. That does sound good. But hard to put in to practice. I mean, face it, we do avoid doing things we don't want to do.

I didn't always feel like doing things with and for my in-laws. When my husband and I were dating and first married, my in-laws weren't sure about me. They weren't sure that I was the right one for their son. As the years have gone by - more than 30 of those years - they have become sure that I was, in fact, the right one for their son. But because of the tentativeness of our relationship, showing honor to my in-laws was a challenge. At first I was honoring them on the outside, but didn't always have my heart in it. I am happy to say, though, that I have gotten wiser as I have aged.

I have learned that every day with them is a gift. I have learned that we share a deep love for the man that they raised and I married. I have learned that we agree on many things, including how important it is to be involved in each others' lives. And I have learned to truly and deeply love each of them for who they are and what they bring to my life.

Now not only do I enjoy doing things with and for my in-laws, my heart swells with love when we see each other. I miss them when we are apart. And I am glad that they allow me to honor them.